Everything I Ever Knew About Childbirth Was A Lie

I wish I could say that the title of this post was a little over dramatic, but sadly it is not. Up until a very short time before my daughter was born, everything I ever knew about childbirth was based on a series of misconceptions, influenced by years of sitcoms, romantic-comedies, and stories from people who had never even had children. How could I have ever known that my sources were at fault?

Many years ago I had seen two movies that would forever shape the way I thought childbirth occured: "Nine Months", starring Hugh Grant, and "She's Having A Baby", starring Kevin Bacon.

In "Nine Months" (First Lie: Pregnancies actually last ten months. Is it any wonder I felt so dumb about these things once I learned the truth?) when Hugh Grant's character's girlfriend, played by Julianne Moore, has her water break in public, he proceeds to put her in the car and make a mad dash to the hospital, practically mowing down several people along the way, only to get to the hospital with just enough time to get to a room, and have the baby moments later.

Lies.

In "She's Having A Baby" a similar situation occurs in which Kevin Bacon's character's wife, played by Elizabeth McGovern, tells him that "It's time" shortly before a high-speed scene of Kevin Bacon throwing all of the bags in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and beginning to drive away before realizing that his wife is still standing at the front door of the house. Once again, they get to the hospital and moments later are taken into the OR to deliver the baby.

More Lies.

You have to understand that I based most of my understanding of the child-birthing process on these two movies. While I'm not disputing the fact that some women have their water break, go into labor, and squeeze out their respective bundle of joy within a relatively short period of time, what I am disputing is that, that is certainly not the norm.

One of the benefits of being involved in my wife's pregnancy and attending classes on childbirth was that many of my misconceptions surrounding childbirth were cleared up in those classes. The side effect, however, was that I felt betrayed by the world, when I discovered that much of what I learned was "common" knowledge, and that I was just hearing it for the first time in my life, TWO months before my child was going to be born!

For example, I had previously "known" that all women's water breaks right before they give birth. I also "knew" that as soon as said water was broken, there was approximately one hour before the baby arrives, so you had better run every red light and drive on the shoulder of the freeway to get to the hospital in time!

Based on my "knowledge" you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only do all women not have their water break, but that not even MOST women have their water break! In fact, it only happens in 1 out of 10 pregnancies! I was also shocked to learn that once the water breaks (if you're that lucky!) you actually have up to 24 hours before your little one pops out to say "hello" to the world!

While learning the truth about broken waters made me question what other pieces of "common" knowledge in life I might be blissfully unaware of, I did appreciate my new knowledge when it came time for OUR big day.

Our daughter's due date was April 15th, and with her being our first child, we assumed that she would be late. So, you can imagine my surprise when I was sitting on the couch with my wife on March 31st and her eyes suddenly became wide, and she uttered "uh oh!" as she got up and ran to the bathroom.

"Uh, oh, what?" I replied as she was getting up.

"I think my water just broke!" She said, as she was shutting the bathroom door. Then, as she repoened the door to grab a handful of towels from the cabinet in the hall, she said "Yep, my water just broke! Either that, or I just had about two gallons of water come out of my bladder!"

Had we not been completely unprepared for the baby to be TWO weeks early, I most likely would have pulled a very Kevin Bacon-esque moment, and started driving to the hospital without my wife! (I thought about it, but I figured that it was probably not the best time for practically jokes) Instead, I put myself to good use by cleaning up the remaining "baby marinade" on the bathroom floor, while my wife hopped in the shower. Luckily, from my recent eductaion, I knew that we had plenty of time to get to the hospital, so my wife had time to do her hair and makeup, while I packed an overnight bag, and installed our car seat.

In the end, I was grateful that everything I had ever known about childbirth had been a lie, or at least that I had figured it out beforehand, because it allowed me to enjoy the fact that I was hours away from the happiest moment of my life.